horrorscopes, the divine one will update this every wednesday

Aries (March 21 - April 19)

things will be very very bad for you, until they are not. if you see a coin on the ground do a little shimmy dance move on it. Aviod shellfish, shawn mendes, ritalin

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

i never trust a taurus, it's too close to tunk. i couldn't care less what happens to you this week, i hope you figure it out because i sure won't + don't want to. aviod gaf.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

i once knew a gemini who's email was my recovery email for my instagram account, she took like 4 months (probably closer to like a month but whatever) to text me back to recover affirmentioned instagram account. for this i am seeking cosmic karma, they will have a HORRIBLE NASTY EVIL week. aviod captcha, matcha, and other words that end in tcha.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

you will have a beautiful shining week. only joy and jubilation for you. a certain gemini will try to weasel their way into your life. axe them. avoid capitol letters, odd numbers, and the direction left.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

leos will be wronged this week (perhaps by a certain gemini??) keep one eye open, and the other on the gemini with a knife. avoid green cars, novelty gimicky mugs, scarves.

Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

virgo-shmirgo you will come into power this week, be sure not to be too hasty with cutting budgets. avoid powertripping, actually physically tripping, and loafers.

Libra (September 23 - October 22)

everyone will get on your nerves this week, be sure to only snap at the geminis. avoid too much caffine, trips to the hardware store, orange shirts.

Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

do you know what a scorpio's sign is? a snake. that's because they're huge snacks. beware. avoid bald men, the word fox (apart from in this HORRORscope), and hard manual labour.

Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

do you ever feel jealous of jesus and christmas and the whole shebang and the cool party he gets, and your comparatively lame end-of-year birthday? does that make you feel a little bit bitter inside. that jealous will flourish this week, make sure to outdo your competion. avoid christmas music, bubblegum, and bananas.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

capricorn, capricorn. you will be very lucky this week! celebrate this by cheering up a friend or throwing a party, do NOT serve chicken at this party or you will be cursed for seven generations. aviod poultry in general, earbuds, tuna, the colour yellow.

Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

cliche but apt advice, go swimming this week. while you are swimming you will meet a longtime secret admirer, see if this new (or NEWly rekindled flame will lead anywhere...) if they are a gemini however, keep clear. avoid mashed potato, balloons, the number 4.

Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

go out for dinner this week, you deserve it, you've had a harrowing past week and this week is your time to recooperate. do not let your guard too far down however, gemini are still on the prowl. avoid the letter U, cats, violins in all their forms.

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